“Oh gosh! What am I doing?” I thought to myself as he lightly caressed my neck while working his way to my lips.
This moment of passion came suddenly out of nowhere, even though a part of me wasn’t surprised at all. I instantly fell for his charm and charisma when I met him about a year ago, and I know that I should let this moment pass, but if I do, I’ll live to regret it.
The concept of time seemed to disappear as we ripped each other’s clothes off, removing all inhibitions and allowing sexual instinct to take over. The pleasure I felt was like an outer body experience, eventually ending with the room spinning around as I descended back into my body.
And then there was silence. It was the quietest moment I had felt in a while, as if I was in the right place at the appointed time.
As soon as I opened my eyes to look at him, a loud bang which sounded like a train about to crash exploded in my head. That bang was the realization that I had slept with my friend’s boyfriend.
The past few months have been a constant tug of war between being with him, feeling guilty because of it and trying to get away from him only to fall back into his arms. This is an addiction, and I can’t put my finger on why I keep doing this. Is it because I’m infatuated with him? Have I fallen in love with him?
Surely one can’t be this intimate with someone and get sucked into their world without feeling something for them?
Maybe it would’ve been easier to deal with this if his girlfriend wasn’t my friend.
I feel like a home-wrecker.
I know I shouldn’t feel this way because he’s making a choice to be with me and his relationship with her has nothing to do with me, but am I the reason that he’s drifting away from her?
That can’t be because I’m not responsible for the commitment he made to her and the love he chose to give to her, but I feel like I’m now in their lives as a couple because of this affair.
He’s cheating on her with me, and I feel like I’m participating in hurting her and ruining her relationship to fulfill my own desires. It would be easier if I was a stranger, because then she would only have to deal with her boyfriend’s unfaithfulness and not with the fact that the two people she trusted betrayed her.
Maybe I’m not committed to our friendship as much as I think I am.
True friends look out for each other and wouldn’t be dishonest to each other like this. So if I was a true friend, I wouldn’t have been alone with him in the first place.
But I was.
And on some level, I feel like it should’ve been me that he decided to have a relationship with. It’s childish to think like this, I know. But I’ve been in that woman’s shadow for the longest time because she’s prettier and more outgoing than me, so guys naturally go for her.
Maybe it’s my turn to be seen.
Maybe I shouldn’t be the “other woman”, living a double life like some relationship fraud. Our secret relationship must come out into the open and stand the test of time if it’s real.
Sometimes I want him to choose between me and her, and sometimes I’m happy with the way things are because I don’t have to deal with his complexities and those of a relationship. I’m sometimes happy to leave that to her.
But I want her friendship too. I’m not ready to lose her, not like this. It’s too ugly.
Gosh, I’m so confused!
What am I even doing? Is all of this even worth it?
*image from Pexels.