The first thing that I thought when I opened my eyes this morning was, “oh crap! Where am I?”
It took a while to figure that out.
I was on a king-sized bed with tons of naked and semi-naked people lying around me. As I tried to lift my head from the pillow, my head started to throb and I instantly felt nauseous. Without thinking, I leaped from the bed and headed straight for the bathroom so that I wouldn’t mess all over myself.
Getting rid of that amount of alcohol from my system made me feel a little better, and I realized that I was in a hotel room with my a bunch of strangers and no recollection of how I got there. I immediately checked for my underwear, and thank God that it was still intact, which means that I didn’t engage in any orgies that seemed to take place last night… Or at least I hope that I didn’t.
I walked back to the bedroom to grab my shoes and my bag to head home. I felt like I would be doing the so-called walk of shame as soon as I stepped outside of the door, which was so unfamiliar to me. I needed some way of looking part normal because I felt like a mess. So I went back to the bathroom to wash off the smudged mascara and brush my weave that turned into what looked like a lion’s mane overnight.
The person that I saw in the mirror was so unfamiliar to me. How did I get to this place where I’m now waking up in strange places with no recollection of what I did the previous night?
Why does alcohol make me feel human again? With it, I am truly happy because no one is telling me how ugly and unwanted I am. I feel uninhibited and strong, like I can take on the world. Alcohol makes me feel like superwoman, taking away my real self that feels like a punching bag for people to use at their will or a doormat to walk all over. With it, my alter ego with the big mouth and confidence to fit comes out. That’s the person people like and respect. That’s who I should be, not this pathetic and depressed person who’s a drag to be around.
But look at me.
My head is pounding, my stomach is doing cartwheels and I can’t keep still. I’m overweight and I look 20 years older than what I really am, and I’m exhausted.
I haven’t slept in what feels like a year, and I’m tired of running from myself with all this excess fat hanging off my body. Chasing this invisible utopia where things will be easy and love will flow all around is as useless as a dog chasing its tail.
And to make matters worse, drinking does not take my problems away. It merely hides them behind a bad hangover and reckless behaviour that leaves me with additional problems to deal with.
I can’t go on like this so I’m going to seek real help. I need some way of saving myself from further self destruction. The first part of that process is to quit drinking alcohol.
So, let me stagger home and collapse on my bed while this bout of alcohol works its way out of my system.
*image from Pexels.