Aaaaaah! Why am I here?
Why am I stuck in this stupid hell hole called a university with all these stupid textbooks the teach us things that become invalid once we start working?
I’m forced to be here because my worth as an employee is determined by the degree I have from an overpriced tertiary education institution.
I can’t take this anymore.
I haven’t slept in 4 weeks because I have thousands of assignments to submit and my first set of exams is in 2 weeks. When am I going to get time to study huge International Relations and Sociology textbooks while trying to complete a 4th year thesis that will decide whether I graduate or not, a Philosophy paper and a Sociology paper that requires extensive research?
I’m shutting down my computer. I’m going to have to ask my lecturers for an extension because the deadlines are impossible to meet.
I don’t know how I’m going to pass this year and be able to graduate. I need to achieve a 60% pass mark for all of my exams if I want to pass this academic year. I failed all my tests, and barely made it with my assignments, all because this year was a shit year, academically and life-wise.
I’ve been in and out of hospital with some weird sickness that doctors are still examining. I randomly faint and experience symptoms of a really bad flu, resulting in me being bed-ridden in a hospital bed for weeks.
Then some fucked up truck driver who didn’t check his brakes before driving off just had to ram his 18-wheeler into the car that my mother and brother were traveling in while driving to the Northern Cape Province from Johannesburg.
The grief of losing them is just too much to bear.
I sometimes cry so hard that I feel like I’m going to die. Keeping busy with school was supposed to help me cope, unlike just sitting around and doing nothing, resulting in me losing my mind. My lecturers have been trying their best to help me catch up on work I missed to deal with the deaths in my family, but it has accumulated so much that it’s impossible to get up to date with all the work.
To make matters worse, that asshole I called a boyfriend broke up with me via text, saying he doesn’t know how to deal with all my emotions and stress, and that I’ve changed as a person.
I’m actually too exhausted to delve into the depth of his selfishness and his lack of love and support, especially now when I need him the most. I didn’t even bother to argue with him. I just sent him a “thumbs up” emoticon as a response to his break up text.
I have a group of supportive friends and they’re doing their best to be there for me. I’m thankful for that. However, I don’t get to see them much because everyone is snowed under by the burden of their own academic cross, so I do feel alone and helpless most of the time.
On top of my academic woes, I might not even graduate because I’m behind with my school fees payments. I’ve tried to apply for a study loan from the National Student Financial Aid Scheme, but it turns out that I’m not poor enough to qualify, and my dad can’t afford a personal loan because he had to cover the burial expenses for my mom and brother. I applied to various bursaries, but those were unsuccessful… I don’t qualify for a personal loan… There’s simply no money to pay for this year.
So even if by some miracle I pass this academic year and graduate, I won’t be able to get a job because my degree and academic transcript will be withheld because of my fees.
At this point, I don’t know if I should clear my dorm and head home, with a mountain of debt, a grieving heart and no degree, or if I should take a shower and head to the various departments to ask if I can submit my assignments and write my exams at a later date.
Getting out of bed right is so difficult right now that I think that it’s best I sleep for another hour before facing the world again.
*image from Breitbart.
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