Imagine if a company called Welcome To Life (PTY) Ltd was hiring professional couch potatoes…
I’d be first in line for that job.
I’ve been working for 6 years and I’m already tired of it. The early mornings and late nights, the stress of trying to get all tasks and responsibilities done coupled with the difficulty of balancing work life (which takes up approximately 200 days out of 365), social life and pursuing my own interests are slowly getting to me. I wish I could drop everything and elope to a place far from the city and its demands, but alas, I’m now an adult with financial responsibilities, so upping and leaving isn’t as easy (or possible) as it seems.
So the next best thing after not being able to elope would be to become a professional couch potato.
I’d love to earn money by lazing around and doing my own thing; cooking (because I love good food while vegetating), watching a good series or movie, reading, going through social media and even strolling about in the mall.
I imagine that if this was a real job, the job advertisement would look something like this:
Professional Couch Potato
Remuneration: basic salary (mainly from your savings)
Benefits: constant state of relaxation, remuneration for vegetation and peace of mind
Location: by the couch would be great but you can lie on your bed as well
Education level: in the long run, it doesn’t really matter
Job level: a high level of tiredness from normal working life is required
Own transport required: Yes. Slippers will get the job done
Travel requirement: often. From the couch to the kitchen then to the bed… you catch my drift
Type: could be permanent or temporary, depending on your preference
This position is best suited for young adults who are worn out from waking up every day at 6am only to get stuck in traffic to make it into the office by 8am. If you no longer enjoy working a 14 hour shift (at minimum from Monday to Thursday and perhaps an 8 hour day on Friday) and being at the beck and call of your boss are definite candidates, while suffering from caffeine addiction due to the need to cope with the demands of the work and also have an intense fear of paperwork, then you’ll be delighted to be a couch potato.
Being a professional couch potato means getting back your life from the clutches of the capitalist world and all its demands of your brain, your efforts and even your wardrobe. No day will be entirely the same. You’ll deal with different briefs on a daily basis, but (and here’s the awesome catch), you’ll be doing your tasks from the comfort of your couch while wearing your slippers and cozy sweater, and you’ll be paid for it!
Briefs will include anything from determining which side of the couch is most comfortable for laying down to watch TV to deciding which movies or series to watch for the day.
Responsibilities will include:
Checking your social network profiles as soon as you get up after 9am (8am if you’re enthusiastic or just out of sleep)
Ensuring that you brush your teeth (you can shower later should you feel like it)
Making your favourite meals under no duress (unless you need to urgently reply to a message and can’t leave your eggs unattended in the frying pan)
Ensuring that you have a large collection of series and movies (this is of the utmost importance)
Ensuring that you have food at all times (cooking is best as you have the time to experiment but ordering in is acceptable)
Ensuring that you watch your collection of movies or series at your own pace throughout the day and perhaps into the evening
Ensuring that you have a comfortable couch from which to watch your collection of series or movies
Ensuring that you chat to your friends, lover and family often through texting and calling to brag about your new profession or to ask for something that you’re too lazy to get
Ensuring that you comment about dramatic events that occur during an episode or part of a movie on social media
Ensuring that you start a trending topic about something dumb on social media should you require a break from watching your collection of movies and series
Ensuring that you have a good collection of comfy clothes or pyjamas to wear when performing your vegetation duties
You need to have reached your limits with working life to apply for this position. If you’re in this space in your life, you’ll have no problems adjusting to the life of being a professional couch potato. You’ll easily access your collection of movies or series, either through services such as Netflix or through collections you’ve made over time but couldn’t enjoy with all the busyness of working life.
You’ll easily adjust to the attire required in this profession, which are pyjamas or comfortable ‘vegging around’ clothes. That means no more formal trousers and shirts or blouses, or wasting time in the morning deciding on what to wear. Basic culinary skills (exceptional ones will be great) or a large collection of numbers of take away restaurants that you can call will be necessary as couch potatoes operate efficiently on a full stomach.
Overall, you need to be enthusiastic about earning a living from doing nothing.
If you think you’re the perfect candidate for this job, make sure you have enough savings to keep you alive and well for at least a year and quit your job before proceeding to jump into your jammies.
The company is global, decentralized company welcoming anyone who is enthusiastic about the couch potato profession. You can join Welcome To Life (PTY) Ltd from the comfort of your own couch whenever you feel like you need a break from normal, working life.
Being a professional couch potato is one of best things you can do in your life, so apply and be prepared to get paid to do absolutely nothing from the comfort of your own couch.
*image from www.unsv.com.