DEPRESSION ALMOST KILLED ME

You bitch! You tried to kill me.

But thank God that I’m alive and I can laugh in your face because I’m in the process of defeating you. You’re such a coward, attacking me in a subtle way when I was in my formative years because you knew that if you attacked when I was older and fully formed mentally and emotionally, I would be a formidable barrier to break though and your evil schemes wouldn’t stand a chance against me.

It’s funny how you capitalize on bad times in one’s life in order to unleash your cold-bloodedness. When there’s death, you’re there; when there’s depression, major life changing events and loss of relationships, you’re there, growling like a hungry lion and eager to devour.

You capitalized on the rejection I faced to the point where you turned me into a zombie. I feel like you took the very little life voice, self-esteem and self-confidence I had and you left me leaving me feeling null and void with no clue of who I was and what my purpose on this earth was meant to be.

You separated me from myself, and still today the struggle of getting to know myself and acknowledging that I am human continues. You’ve clouded my world to the point where all I see is black and all I feel is a deep sense of abandonment and hopelessness. And the fact that you bring along your best friend Suicide to finish off your dirty work of killing off any molecule of life in the mind, body and soul is the ultimate testament of your brutal cowardice.

I had a visitation from your BFF Suicide earlier this year. He was busy telling me how I should take my car and drive off a cliff to end this seemingly dismal life of mine which has been filled with heart-ache, a loneliness of the abandoned type and despair. I almost listened to him because I thought he was right when he said that there was no hope for me and no one would actually mind if I left the earth. Luckily for him, I was too tired to get out of bed and search for the perfect hill. And I knew that if I did drive off a cliff I would survive because the hopelessness he described felt like an illusion, and I had a few people who would be miserable without me because I meant so much to them. My parents would’ve been shattered because they would’ve felt like they failed me, and my friends and colleagues would be left wondering what went wrong with me because I was always smiling around them.

You even called God a liar when I asked Him to give me life. You told me that He, just like joy, contentment and self-knowledge and love, is just an illusion.

You have no shame depression.

And I must admit that I am partly to blame for being ensnared in this web. I gave you the time of day and listened to you lies. I actually believed you. I’m livid to the point where I want to punch you in your invisible face. But most of all, I’m saddened by the messages you left in my heart and I weep at how these messages break me and leave me hanging on the edge of my bed for dear life.

I’m emerging victorious from the clutches of your life-sapping slavery. Every day is a battle; I have to choose to either listen to your deathly lies about how pathetic I am, which is the easier option because it’s more familiar, or to listen to the Giver of Life as He tells me the truth about my purpose and myself.  And I choose life; the abundant and fruitful life.

Therefore, what I’m saying to you is that your reign with me is over. I’m no longer your puppet so you can return to the hell that you came from.

You’re done… you’re dusted… you’re finished.

My word is final.

*cover image from Destroy The Hairdresser.

*Dailypost WordPress.

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