I came out of a 4-year relationship earlier this year, and it was as liberating to be single as it was lonely.
It was liberating because I could meet new people after spending the majority of my twenties with one person, with but I was daunted by having to go out and meet someone new.
I mean, where do I start with finding a person and having a conversation with them? It just felt awkward, so I took a break from the whole dating scene for a while.
As nature would have it, I bumped into an old crush of mine who was also kinda my friend back in varsity. He and I had an awkward relationship back then because we had lovey-dovey vibes between us, but couldn’t act on any of them because we were already in relationships with other people.
So, we resolved to have a normal, platonic friendship, which was also weird because we didn’t spend as much time together. He was always my “what if” guy, lingering at the back of my mind. During that time, I frequently wondered what it would be like to be with him.
So, I was quite happy to bump into him now that I’m all grown up and single and have the opportunity to explore a relationship with him. We started hanging out and catching up, and it became apparent that we liked each other.
The only problem was that both of us came of long-term relationships and we didn’t want to get into a new one with all the requirements of commitment and time. So, I suggested to him that we be cuddy buddies.
I’ve never had a cuddy buddy before, so the idea of a relationship with a few strings (of friendship and mutual respect) attached was captivating. Off-course he agreed because he was in a dry spell too.
Sex with him is good, too good to be true in fact. It’s cool that we can be so intimate and give each other fist bumps in the morning instead of deep, loving kisses, and I know that I’m supposed to be completely satisfied with the whole thing because this relationship is just a “tide me over” until I find somebody to love.
But something’s missing from this whole equation and I’m not as happy as I thought I’d be. Maybe I am a girl that wants the full package – commitment, good sex and an overall stable relationship with a good guy.
And I’m starting to believe that even in relationships, we will be inquisitive about things we don’t know, but when we do experience them, they’re nowhere close to being what we had imagined.
So I thinking that I should take a step back and actually be single for a while with no distractions.
It’s quite difficult to be so close to someone and try to distance yourself emotionally. Either you’ll fall in love or you’ll feel emotionally drained and confused.
The latter is how I feel.
*image from Black Film.